Existential Exhaustion

A lot of my friends lately have noticed a change in my spark and presence and I didn't know how to explain why I've been so sad and exhausted, psychologically and existentially but this is it, this is why.

Enjoy

Existential Exhaustion

Here is the thing; I am tired.

Like, bone-deep exhaustion tired. I am tired of being dependable.

Tired of being someone who takes on all the responsibility for things, even when other people offer, tired of the accompanying guilt when I falter under the weight of that responsibility, or when I allow people to take one some of that responsibility and they struggle.

I am tired of being seen as dependable and smart and, therefore, intimidating.

I am tired, so existentially tired, of being constrained by other’s conceptions of who I am, of what I am, of who I should be.

I am tired of keeping all my crazy, less-than-dependable, less-than-nice thoughts to myself.

I am tired of being alone, of being the person that people depend on and the dull, endless ache of missing the one person I could always depend on, who would always be there for me.

I am tired of the guilt of feeling I somehow failed her, the stupid, ridiculous guilt of thinking I somehow should have been able to save her or to at least make it not so hard, not so painful, not so ugly and awful.

I am tired of being so consumed with my own pain that I don’t have the energy to get to know all the women I am now responsible for.

I am tired of not knowing how to help myself and thus unable to help them.

I am tired of feeling like every part of my life that truly matters is one epic failure after another.

I am tired of lying in bed not being able to sleep because my brain is full of worry and fear.

I am tired of waking up exhausted, of falling asleep in the middle of the day and havingvampire dreams.

I am tired of being intimidated by life, by the unknown, by the idea that I am set up to fail.

I am tired of not being the girl I remember, the girl who would spin around in her Wonder Woman Underoos thinking she could conquer the world. The girl who could confidently pose in her Teela and She-Ra costumes and mean it. The girl who didn’t yet know that when people told her she was smart and strong and responsible it wasn’t a compliment; it was a sentence to being given more work, more responsibility, more to do. The girl who hadn’t yet realized that Wonder Woman and Teela and She-Ra and all the smart, confident, strong women she loved to pretend to be were alone, left to save their worlds by themselves. That such women were branded ‘intimidating’ and to have any sort of life outside their strong, confident, world-saving selves had to create cover identities in which they pretended to be less-than and that only then would they have friends, but not really because they weren’t who they really were. They were who people wanted them to be.

I am tired of not knowing how to be that girl anymore, of saying yes when I desperately want to say no and saying no when I should say yes.

I am tired of putting off finding how to be that girl.

So I am going to take some time to myself, to figure out things I should have figured out a long time ago. Which means I might not be around for a while and I might not answer phone calls and I might not be the person you are used to.

But I’ll be fine. Because I am always fine.






-Scully, Scully Suppositions



Hey all If you've been wondering why I haven't been posting much, it's because I've been exhausted and I just never knew how to express it  but I think I found it here. I wanted to post this because it literally exemplifies everything that I have been going through. I am exhausted and demanded and balancing life is hard, so somethings have to hit the back burner for a sec. My self is fatigued and tired.

How Did I Get Into Astrology

I don't know, I just did.

No, I'm kidding, I'll write more.
I always knew what signs were, like I knew what my mom's sign is, and my sisters and one day I just started reading about them. I remember going to the library a long time ago, like probably when I was in year 6 and looking at a book that had the word Astrology on the front and I flipped to my section and began reading it, only, to realize it described me a lot! Then I flipped to other sections based on my family and it described them too and I was just like oh my God, woah.
So being the kid that I was, I spent the next like ever googling and learning about signs. I got really into horoscopes for a while and I wouldn't go a day without reading my horoscope but as I grew older I realized that horoscopes are just broad generalizations of common things that could happen to anybody


Disclamer: I do believe that there are people that can see what is going to happen in the future, I do believe that God gave people that gift but I don't think someone writing a bunch of crap from their desk in an office at "insert magazine here"'s headquarters can really predict the future.
You know?

So, as I grew older, I got out of believing in horoscopes and began studying Astrology, the signs of the zodiacs, and all areas included under that umbrella.

I guess I'll get into the being a Christian and believing in Zodiacs deal

A lot of people tell me that studying astrology is a sin and blah blah blah and how it goes against God and how I cannot call myself a true Christian if i study it.
Here's what I say

Thank you for imposing your hatred and closed minded belief system on me, why are you here judging me when I'm not harming you. Why do you feel the need to criticize me. If we're going to decide what God intended, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be for you not to accept people. Also, I believe that I, and everyone else was put on this earth on a certain day, time, and place for a reason and astrology helps me understand that. It helps me understand why God did things the way it was done. Just let me do what I do and you do what you do.
I have no problem with tolerating you for who you are

NOW GO'N GET, GIT OFF MY PROPERTY

Also, I just uploaded a video where I probably offend people based on their signs, it's funny and meant for kicks and giggles. When people tell me their sign this is what pops into my head. Check it out http://youtu.be/qJWFPUuoj3Y